Wilted Flower of Jesus

2008-09-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

It's been almost two years since I've posted on this. Two years for all kinds of things to happen or not happen.

I got that job at Wal Mart and now I've been with them for almost two years. It'll be two years on November 7.

I've moved to a new town, a bigger town, but have yet to attend Mass even once. I'm afraid and nervous to go, so I put it off and put it off. I moved here in February. Imagine that.

I've been promoted to department manager of Cosmetics, though I really wanted Electronics. I guess I was the best person for the job of fixing up the department since it was a huge mess when I got it.

At the book sale today I picked up "The Seven Storey Mountain" by Thomas Merton. I wish I would've grabbed "The Confessions of St. Augustine" while I was at it, since "Seven" is supposed to be akin to a 20th Century version of "Confessions."

I need to find something to spark my faith again. I've fallen into the valley and grown tired and lethargic.

I need to get my butt up and attend Mass! Meet some Catholic young people and get involved. That's the whole thing, isn't it? The body of Christ? Brothers and sisters in God?

I need to get up and go to the family reunion. I don't need courage for that.

Glory Be

2006-10-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

to the Father. Glory be to the Son. Glory be to the Spirit. All glory to our God.

I have a job interview at Wal Mart tomorrow morning! I don't particularly like Wal Mart, nor do I really think they treat their employees fairly.

But.

It's better than the way I'm being treated at the coffeehouse. I pray to God for humility and confidence, and the ability to speak about myself in such a way to get this job.

Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity.

Lost in the shadow of the valley

2006-10-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

of doubt. Of damnation.

Where has the light gone? Where's the euphoria that drove me during RCIA?

Where is God?

I won't find Him in a book. Even the Bible is only words sometimes. I have tried to read the Gospel of John a lot. But I want those little book collections that offer studies. The commentaries. The explanations. I'm only a simple girl with a simple mind. Some of the parables escape me. Some of the things Jesus said ... I can't always understand it. I can't always grasp it.

I miss going to Mass. I don't mean that I -miss- it. I miss it. Which is to say I don't get up in time. Or I just don't "feel like" going. Now I've got a whole slew of sins to confess to Father. I can't accept Communion until I do, so I just don't go to Mass. But I find myself needing the Mass. I find myself craving the Liturgy. The songs. The Homily. Communion.

The Most Holy Eucharist.

I need it more than I need to sleep. But sometimes I just can't drag myself out of bed.

I'm stressed. I'm worried. I'm down in the dumps.

Over what?

Over money. It's always money. Money is a wall that keeps me from getting to God.

No, that's wrong.

It's my desire for it? Is it? Do I have a desire for money? Not really. I'd be happier if I never saw it again. It's my fear of money. I'm afraid of it. I want nothing to do with it.

What can I do?

Are you there, God? It's me. Kelly. I'm your lost sheep. I'm bleating behind the rocks. I'm calling for my Father. I'm calling for the Good Shepherd. Take me Home to You, Lord. I'm so lonely over here. The wolves will get me. The coyotes are watching me.

Are you there, God?
It's me.
Kelly.

You have no power over me.

2006-08-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

I wrote this up at work and wanted to share it with all of you.

8-19-06

I went to bed around 330am and had a really scary dream.

I can't remember the specifics, but I remember there was a lot of panic going on. Tall white, rectangular pillars were all around me, and people were fleeing, scared.

They were running away from a very large, about nine or ten feet tall, thing clothed in a voluminous black robe. Black doesn't even begin to describe it. The color was like nothing. It seemed to swallow the light, though there was no variation in it. It didn't have shadows in the folds of the robe. I don't know if it even had folds. The background was black, the pillars stark white, but the thing was even darker than black. It was three feet wide, at least, at the shoulder, and I couldn't see its hands.

It was killing people. How, I couldn't tell. It was chasing me, and I ran from it. I was weaving through the pillars, trying to get away. I was shoving past people in my haste to get away.

While I ran, I prayed to God for protection. I asked my guardian angel to help me, and for the Archangel Michael for aid, to give orders.

Then I stopped.

When I turned around, I came face-to-chest with the thing and felt the greatest fear I had ever felt before. All I wanted to do was run and find a place to hide. But something made me stay. Something had rooted my feet to the spot and all I could do was stare.

When the thing made a move toward me, I said the first thing that came to mind. It's a quote from a movie, and I even remember how silly I felt saying it in my dream.

"You have no power over me," I said.

The next thing was better. I wish I could say I'd remembered it from the Bible, but I'd actually recalled it from the Anne Rice book, "Interview with the Vampire."

"Get thee behind me, Satan," I cried.

That made the thing back up a step. It gave me strength.

I started to shout how God was protecting me. I could almost hear the Archangel Michael crying out orders and my own guardian angel obeying. I could almost see a radiant white light illuminated around me. It was growing brighter.

"The Archangel Michael protects me," I shouted with a sort of righteousness borne of God. "I have the protection of God!"

The more I said, the weaker the thing became. It started to hunch and the darkness became more gray. Eventually, it faded completely away.

I had been victorious over Satan.

With God, I had resisted whatever temptation I was faced with. Now, at work, I feel so much lighter. I feel like I've shed something heavy.

I can greet the customers with a smile. And I can listen to Loreena McKennitt and not feel the desire to do a ritual. I'm not saying my days as a Wiccan were all Satanic and evil. While I did read tarot and use an Angel Board (which I have Confessed), I don't think my entire faith was evil.

Even the customers seem to see something different, something better. It's like I shine with an inner light. A woman told me I have a beautiful smile. I attribute that to the grace of God that I was able to overcome such a darkness.

I feel happier and more patient. I feel creative and glad.

Prayer to God

2006-07-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Lord,

I know I haven't prayed very many longer, more formal prayers, but I need one, now. I need the support of those that read this.

Things are happening in my life, the life I share with my husband, that need changing. I emailed my boss for a raise and I need strength. I am the child and you are my Eternal Father. I ask most humbly for the peace of Your Son to flood me, the confidence that comes with believe in You to hold me.

God, I need You. My sweat is like blood and my prayers are fervent.

In the Holy Name of Jesus Christ, the Only Son of God, to God the Father, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Hosanna in the Highest

2006-06-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

There's something to be said about chatrooms. More often than not, there's only fighting and name-calling. Last night, there was a very angry girl named Bubbles. She would say the most hateful things about God, and was greeted with hateful things about herself.

But I extended the hand of love to her. Laura, another woman on there, said that ... if someone pushes you in line, you have the right to stand your ground. I told her that that doesn't mean you should push back. It seemed to me that Laura was under the idea of "eye for an eye". I was more for "love thy neighbor".

I was then told by someone else that Laura had undergone great hardship. It did nothing to help me to understand. If you've undergone such hardship, why would you want anyone else to feel the same way you did? Would you want someone else to feel hurt as you had? Or even a hurt different than your own?

Something must have happened to her, but she wouldn't say what. I asked her if I could pray for her, but she told me no. I pressed until she finally said that she cursed me. God will keep me in His graces as long as He deems I'm worthy of it. I'm but His servant. A simple girl with a simple desire to help people along the way. I told Bubbles that if it relinquished some of her pain, I would accept the curse. She thought I was stupid.

I don't.

Most everyone else reacted to Bubbles' scathing words and harsh comments and insults with their own insults. Their own boiling words poured onto the screen, only making Bubbles realise more and more that she was "right". That God didn't exist and that all of His followers thought themselves superior and more righteous than everyone else.

I don't.

I'm a sinner.
I want to be a saint.
I don't think I'm more righteous than the next person.
I don't think myself superior.

All I want is to help people see God and know Him through gentle words and actions, rather than with verbal blows. After all, Jesus taught love. Laura claimed her words were "tough love", but I felt no love in them. The people that go into the Catholic chats are reaching for something, and their walls go up because they're so afraid they might find it. I try to knock on the door until someone opens it up, just as in the Bible. I don't want to blow it up with the Bible, with Scripture tied to bricks thrown through the windows.

I'm knocking.

Downtime.

2006-06-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't really been posting lately because I've been in something of a slump. After my Confirmation, I was flying high and light with God as my wings. But after a few short weeks ... a month ... I've puttered and slowed. I've stopped.

Have I lost my way already? It was exhilerating going through the RCIA process, with all those people around learning with me. I find myself being slothful, and that is a sin. Sloth originally meant toward religious practices and learning, and I've been severely lacking in that.

I need some advice on what to do about this. I don't know what to do. I'm grasping at shafts when I want to be bathed in this light. The dust motes are getting in my eyes and the warmth is making me sleepy, so I lie down and sleep.

I haven't even done my daily devotions out of my "Passion" book each day. I just don't know what to do.

Kel

Story of My Conversion - Part VI

2006-05-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

7) Structure

-- I feel that Catholicism can bring some much-needed structure and spiritual fulfillment and routine to my life.

8) Love

-- I feel that becoming Catholic will help me better understand love and thus find myself able to give and receive it better and more willingly than before.

These are two very important things to me when it comes to faith. And they're the last two things in my list that I started a few parts ago!

Structure in one's life is key. If there's no real structure, no real habitual actions, then it's all just chaos. By having structure, even if it's going to Mass every Sunday or brushing your teeth after every meal, it gives you a sense of ... calm. Like there's something in your day that just fits. So you look forward to that, because you know that there's at least something that you have control of.

One thing I'd like to implement is prayer before meals. Another is something I really want to do. I want to take some time out of every day, the same time every day, and pray for about ten minutes. Just tell God about my day and dump all my troubles and joys upon Him. I know I can do that before bed, but sometimes it just feels ... strange. Not everyone in the house is Catholic, or Christian. That's not a bad thing. Not at all! We all have our own ways, right? I just feel strange praying around non-Christians, thinking that ... if they see me pray, I'll think I'm holier than they are. But I don't. I was that way many years ago, and I never want to be that way again. Ever. I guess I just have to ... do it. I want to pray in private to God, not in the streets where all can see.

The homily yesterday (Sunday the 21 of May) was about love. It was about the commandment that Jesus gave. Love one another as He loves us. I really had to remember that when I went into work. The first thing that happened ... wasn't very pleasant. But I remembered the Gospel reading and went through it. I want to love people like Jesus did and still does. But it's hard. I'm only human and sometimes find myself thinking malicious thoughts. I usually catch myself and feel apologetic about it, but others ... I want to keep thinking them. I don't usually entertain myself with those thoughts, but it's hard.

I want to pray more about loving people. I want to have a warm heart full of caring for my fellow human beings. But sometimes people make it hard to love them. Even online. They'll do things that hurt others, often forgetting that there are real people behind the text and funny characters on the screen. Be it an mmorph, or a blog or a simple website. There are people behind them. Real people that breathe and bleed just like you do. But for some reason, they say things that sometimes I think they wouldn't normally say. They do things that are hurtful. Sure, I don't think they always mean it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Then something drastic has to be done to make things get better. But things aren't better because one person still feels hurt.

I want people to remember that we're supposed to love one another. You want people to love you, right? Not romantic love. There are different kinds of love. Different kinds of feelings for every person in the world. I don't love my brother the same way I love my husband. I want to spread my love like a blanket over the world and make people feel warm. I can't do that on my own. I need to have the Love of Christ in me. And that, my friends, is where the Eucharist comes in. I receive Christ weekly and try to keep Him with me all week long. Sometimes I feel myself faltering and falling short and it's hard to remember the Eucharist that was so many days ago. But I don't have the option of going to weekday Mass or Communion Services. That's why I keep my chapel veil in my purse all the time. And my rosary. I keep them with me in case I go to the Church after work or just before. To end or prepare for my day.

I need help remembering that Christ is with me. And these little physical things can help me do that. I am only a weak girl, and Christ is a strong Brother for me to lean on. He is in me and I in Him.

Story of My Conversion - Part V

2006-05-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

6) Confession

-- I enjoy the idea of confession. Telling your deepest, darkest sins to a Priest who is also a stranger appeals to me. I fear it and am intimidated by it, but I also welcome the ability to have God forgive me, and make me able to forgive myself.

This has evolved more into a love of the Sacraments. All of them, not just Confession. Of course, the technical terms now-a-days is Reconciliation. When I had my first Confession ... I was just a little nervous. It was during Holy Week, I believe it was on Holy Thursday, but I'm not sure. When I was done, though, as Father placed his hand on my head, I felt the blessing flow through him straight from God.

A lot of people ask why we need to confess our sins to a priest, instead of directly to God. I have my own reasoning on this, and it's helped a few people with this hard-to-accept Sacrament. As human beings, we are very physical creatures. Did you ever slight your mom or dad, or a friend or someone else, and feel miserable until they said they forgave you? You know your mom and dad will forgive you; they love you. But hearing them say it makes all the difference.

To me, it's just that way with the Eternal Father. I know He'll forgive me if I slight my mom or dad, my boss at work, or someone else. If I'm really sorry for it, I know He'll forgive me. But hearing the Priest say it ... hearing him recite the Absolution ... it fills me with light. It lets my human senses, the senses that God gave me, soak in His love. I feel the hand of the priest on my head, I hear the words he says, and it makes me warm. I can't help but smile afterwards, even with my penance in mind. If you've never experienced this most blessed Sacrament ... then you can't really understand it. I tried, but nothing compares to the wonderful experience of it.

The Sacraments are grouped into a few different sections:

I. Sacraments of Initiation
1. Baptism
This one is done at birth, or as soon after birth as it can be done. Godparents (usually good-standing Catholics) are present. Some churches submerge, some pour, and some sprinkle. Mine pours water over the head in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Baptisms in the name of Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ alone aren't considered valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church. I had what's called a conditional baptism on May 13, which means that because I couldn't get my baptismal records they didn't know how I was baptised. So, I went to Confession just in case my first baptism was valid. But I was also conditionally baptised just in case it wasn't.

2. Holy Communion. The Eucharist
Many places give First Communion before Confirmation. Around second grade, the little children receive their First Communion, and family makes a giagantic deal out of it. No one made much of a deal out of mine, and sometimes I feel cheated out of a life of such graces and blessings, but then I think that ... maybe I wouldn't have felt so much about the Eucharist if I was in second grade. Because now, at my age, I can understand more what Jesus wants for me, though I don't know. He wants my love, and I crave His Love. When I received my First Holy Communion, I accepted both species. The Body and the Blood.

It was a small ceremony, with just me and my husband, my mom and dad, my sponsor, hubby's sponsor, Father, and Sister. It was beautiful. I'd invited more people, but no one showed up. It was better that way, though, after I saw how wonderful this private little holy Mass was. I was shaky when I went up to receive the Host. It was a fourth of the one that Father held up when he was performing the ceremony of consecrating the Eucharist. It was like the sunlight in my mouth. I had beseeched the crucified Lord to be my Sun, and His Body to be the Light that nourishes me, and His blessed Blood, the Divine Dew that falls from His most blessed wounds, would be the Dew that nurtured me and fed me.

When I went up, I forgot to bow, but I managed a choked, "Amen" and received the Host in my cupped hands. Then was the Blood in a simple wooden chalice. I said, "Amen" to the Blood, and I think I remembered to bow. I will not chew the Host. I crack it against the roof of my mouth, since they're a little big for my little mouth, and I sip the Blood and let the Body soak it up. Then I let it dissolve while contemplating just what it is I'm doing. I'm accepting Christ.

3. Confirmation.
For some reason, this happens after First Communion. This happens around the age of 11 - 13, though the Church says it can happen as early as seven years old. It's when you consciously become a part of the Catholic Church. You basically reaffirm what your Godparents said you'd do when you were baptised, I think. It's a beautiful ceremony where you have a patron saint! That's when I was able to choose Saint Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, the Little Flower, with her Little Way. I want to adopt that Little Way myself, too.

The Sacraments of Initiation ... only happen once in your life. The Eucharist is a recurring thing, but your First Communion can only happen once. Of course, you can always ask Jesus to make every Communion like your first.

II. The Sacraments of Healing

These Sacraments are probably the least understood. They consist of the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the Sacrament of Extreme Unction/Last Rites/Anointing the Sick.

1. Sacrament of Reconciliation. Confession.
I already explained this up there, but that's okay. This is where you confess your sins. Venial since and mortal sins. Mortal sins are the transgressions that you are really and truly obligated to confess. A mortal sin would include murder and adultery. Venial sins are more like sticking gum in your sibling's hair. They're still sinful, but not quite as bad as the mortal sins. The rest was already talked about. Moving on ...

2. Sacrament of Extreme Unction. The Last Rites. Anointing of the Sick.
This Sacrament is probably the least understood of all seven Sacraments. When most people see the "dreaded" Catholic Priest heading down the hallway of a hospital, they automatically think the person is dying and that the Priest has come to perform the Last Rites. But this isn't always the case. Cancer patients going in to receive treatment can request the Anointing of the Sick. It's not just on your deathbed that you can request this Sacrament, but it's not for every cut or scrape either.

Going in for some serious open-heart surgery? You can ask for this most blessed Sacrament. It's not to be abused, rather like you can only receive Communion twice in a period of twenty-four hours. This Sacrament isn't to be treated lightly, and used for something like allergies and colds.

III. Sacrements of Service
1. Sacrament of Holy Orders. Ordination.
When a boy decides he wants to be come a Catholic Priest, he makes a monumental decision. He makes the choice to forgo marriage and having biological children. However, when a boy makes this decision, a decision that any parent should be brimming with pride and thanksgiving to God, he decides to take unto himself a tremendous responisibility.

A friend of mine, whom I consider more like a brother, went to Seminary school. Basically, that's where the boys go to learn the things needed to lead the flock of believers. But, to me, he's got the makings of a priest. He's always, always kind and compassionate and willing to listen to my (sometimes silly) questions about the faith. He was there from the start, behind me and my husband the whole way with encouragement. He really is a blessing, and continues to be each day. Always ready with a kind word, or a prayer for me and my husband. He prayed for us when my husband was in the hospital. He prayed for us during the Easter Vigil. And I'm sure there's been times he's prayed for us that I don't even know about it. God sent this man to us, to guide us into the fold of the family of the Catholic Church. And I am eternally thankful to God for his guidance and leading us to Him.

The priest at my parish was ordained twenty-four years ago this past weekend. When I think about that, a normal man getting such a beautiful vocation, it fills me with hope. It fills me that there are people out there that still care. And though some priests might feel a fear of never having a family ...

They have the largest family in the world. Their children are the parishoners. The lay people that come to hear him speak and proclaim the Word of God. The priests are our spiritual fathers, leading us in the light and graces of God. Of course, we as lay people still have the choice to not follow their words, to not listen and to ignore the graces that they offer. Or we can abuse them and think we're outside of fault just because we're Catholic. But, just as the priests are men before they're priests, we are humans before we are Catholics. We have faults and strengths. I want to choose to listen to Father proclaim Jesus' Love for all of us. I want to live the Word of God with every breath I take.

2. Sacrament of Marriage.
This Sacrament is a lot like the Holy Orders. While in the Holy Orders the priests are marrying the Church and the Sisters are marrying Christ ... we marry each other. I think, if I hadn't gotten married, I'd've liked to become a nun. But I chose marriage and am happy where I am, loving my husband and my God. I've never been to a Catholic wedding, but I'd like to renew my vows in the Catholic Church next year on my five-year wedding anniversary. It falls on Friday the thirteenth of April! That's really all I have on this Sacrament.

Those are, basically, the Sacraments. I'm a new Catholic, so it's a good chance that I'm missing some things, left things out, and maybe gotten some things wrong. But these are the Sacraments as I understand them, and my feelings and thoughts about them.

Story of My Conversion - Part IV

2006-05-21T00:06:00.000-07:00

I know that I'm writing an awful lot for the first day of having my blog, but I feel compelled!!

3) Familial Recognition

-- The feeling of extended family that being the member of the church can bring. Many tell of church "families" that help them in hard times, care enough to enquire if something is wrong, or just offer an ear to listen or a shoulder on which to cry.

4) Work

-- You actually have tasks to do to be a member of the Catholic Church. Mass, rosary prayers, etc. are done in affirmation of faith in God, Jesus, and Mother Mary. You don't just sit back and watch your religion swirl around you. You swirl with it.

Since joining the RCC, I've noticed a strong sense of family. Even online, Catholics seem to hold others closer to themselves than any other denomination or faith, for that matter. I've been privy to a lot of faiths, and Catholics seem to be the ones that practice the Love of Christ the best. And the most often. I know from first-hand experience how loving the Catholic Church can be. I also have close friends who are not Catholic who are just as loving and generous toward someone in need. I love them all very much and can think of no one else I would want to call friend. The RCC offers a divine shoulder to cry on, with gentle hands to coax you back onto your feet.

As for the 'work' of number four, it's not really gruelling work that you have to plod through. It's work that you're glad to do! You're obligated to go to Mass on Sundays (or Saturday nights to the Vigil Mass which counts toward the Sunday obligation). To become a member of this most wonderous Church, you go through RCIA, the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. I went through it and it's wonderful! They teach you the basics about the Church and get you in touch with a sponsor, or a Catholic in good standing with the Church that you can talk to and ask questions.

Many faiths, you go to that church and you call yourself that denomination. That's it! There are no classes to learn about how that faith came around, or why they do some things this way, but not that way. RCIA really opened doors for me. It explained many things and also brought up more questions, which I found answers to. They encourage the Candidates or Catechumenates to ask questions and learn and grow in God. You become your faith, rather than tack on the title of Catholic. I am Catholic!

5) Clergy

-- I actually like the idea of learned church officials to go to for guidance or to ask questions. In most pagan faiths, there are either no clergy folk, or the folk that claim to be clergy don't know what they are talking about because the information has been so diluted over the centuries that it's almost fiction.

The priesthood was always a big thing for me. I adored the notion of the priesthood. Of men that went through all this schooling, and felt called to BE! They go to Seminary and learn about God and the history of the Church. And probably other things that I don't know! I should ask my friend, my big brother in faith, what all they teach in Seminary. It's always such a blessing to hear when someone feels this Vocation. The priest at my parish was Ordained in the Sacrament of Holy Orders twenty-four years ago! He was Ordained the year I was born! What a blessing! In the very same month I was born, was this wonderful and gracious man Ordained in God!

When I was pagan, there was no one really to turn to. Many books by reliable authors tended to say many different things, so you had to pick and choose which was right for you. There were no divine texts that were translated for you. There was nothing but your own gut feeling, and the feeling that the gods were looking out for you. I was at a loss most of the time as to what to do. So I would go into chatrooms (when MSN's were free) and ask there. "Go read this book," they would say. The same went for message boards. So I read these books, but still there was nothing.

However, I did learn a lot about the divinity of all things. I learned a great deal about myself and my own loves, hates, and abilities. While I did confess about being pagan, I'm not ashamed of it. It brought me closer to God and let me see my love of ritual. That was another element that really drew me to Catholicism. The Mass and the beautiful ritual of it. The Transubstantiation that goes on when the wafer and the wine become the true and real Body and Blood of Christ. The procession, the recession. Everything! I did the same thing in my rituals during Mabon and Samhain, Yule, Midsummer, Lughnassadh. So many holidays that I celebrated with my whole heart to the divine. That's what I called God. The Divine. God was, to me, a huge Diamond with a million facets. The gods that I called on were each a facet of this Diamond. So the conversion from paganism to Catholicism was virtually painless. But I won't renounce my life of six or eight years because of my beliefs during that time. I learned a great deal.

-Kel

Story of My Conversion - Part III

2006-05-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

2) Tradition -- Be it Communion, Rosary Beads, or any number of other things, Catholicism is steeped in tradition.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I know I'm going through old stuff, but I like to look back. See how much I've changed over the past two years.

Catholicism is Christ's Church. He really did institute it with His friend and His apostle, Peter. Since then, the successors of Peter, our blessed Popes, have led the Catholic Church to riches, to ruin, and to everywhere in between. No one can deny that there have been some not-so-holy Pontiffs, but then we have the jewels in the Crown. Like Pope John Paul II, the man that really got me into the Church with his humanitarianism.

The rosary also really attracted me to Catholicism. Even now, it's one of my most favorite prayers. Many of my books, though, don't have the Luminous Mysteries that Pope John Paul II instituted during his glorious reign. That moved the Mysteries up to four. Here they are:

The Five Luminous Mysteries (Thursday) (These are the new ones instituted by JPII)
I. The Baptism in the Jordan
II. The Wedding at Cana
III. The Proclamation of the Kingdom
IV. The Transfiguration
V. The Institution of the Eucharist

The Five Joyful Mysteries (Monday and Saturday)
I. The annunciation
II. The Visitation
III. The Birth of Our Lord
IV. The Presentation of Our Lord
V. The Finding of Our Lord in the Temple

The Five Sorrowful Mysteries (Tuesday and Friday)
I. The Agony in the Garden
II. The Scourging at the Pillar
III. The Crowning with Thorns
IV. The Carrying of the Cross
V. The Crucifixion and Death of Our Lord

The Five Glorious Mysteries (Sunday and Wednesday) (This was the Mystery on my own birthday)
I. The Resurrection
II. The Ascension
III. The Coming of the Holy Ghost
IV. The Assumption of our Blessed Mother into Heaven
V. The Coronation of our Blessed Mother

I haven't really said the rosary very often, but I do carry one with me all the time. It was custom made with "beads the color of bread". I want to memorize the rosary, though, and be able to recite it from memory. But remembering all of those mysteries is going to be the hard part!

Communion. Oh, Communion. I never really realized just how ... just how much it meant. I would look forward to it in my days as a non-Catholic. I would watch the people (especially young people) of my parish go up to receive, and walk back looking bored. But that's judgmental, I know. Some of them didn't look as reverent as I wish they did, since many of them, I would think, were raised Catholic and received at an early age. Maybe I'm envious of them, I don't know. I try not to be, but it's hard sometimes to watch a high school kid sauntering back down the aisle after receiving the Eucharist and ... I just look at their faces. You can really tell a lot by one's face after receiving Communion.

Many of them had the faces of 'I wish I were somewhere else' or maybe thinking about something else. I don't know. I know that I went up to receive a blessing from Father, always smiling. And I'd feel sad, upset, maybe envious when I would see people with their arms at their sides, or loosely clasped, moving back down the side aisle to their seats. I felt like they were taking the Eucharist for granted, but they might not've been. I don't know.

Now that I'm able to receive ... it's wonderful. I go up, wearing my own prayer veil, with my hands clasped so tightly in anticipation. I've prayed previously, fasted for an hour beforehand, and asked God to help me to realize just what it is I'm about to receive before I actually go up. And when I do go up, I can't stop smiling. I try to be reverent, solemn, but it's a celebration! I (usually remember to) bow, hands clasped, then cup them to receive the Eucharist. I take the Body in my hand after saying, "Amen". I pick it up and receive. It tastes divine! I have to break it on my tongue since they're a little big, then I go to receive the Blood. I know both species are in both the Body and Blood, but I prefer to receive both when I can. With another bow, another "Amen" and I take the cup. I have the tiniest sip and feel it seep into the Body. Christ is in me, now. Nurturing me with the divine dew of His Blood, feeding me with His Body. He is the Sun and the Son that shines on this wilted flower.

I clasp my hands so tightly with the biggest smile on my face as I turn my eyes to the heavens walking back to my pew. I thank God for the blessing He's given me. I thank Him for the Eucharist that I waited two years to receive. I sit down (sometimes kneel) and stare up at the crucified Christ at the front of the Church. It's so beautiful to me, the proof that Jesus died for our sins, that He took on such a lowly human form so that we might all be saved.

The Mass itself is a most holy and glorious tradition! I try to go weekly, and sometimes on weekdays, but it's hard for me to do that. I don't drive, and sometimes don't have a car, and I live up on top of the hill. My church is downtown. So I keep the Eucharist with me all week and try to remember to love everyone as Jesus did. I want to be the embodiment of love! In this day and age, it's hard to remember to love one another as Christ loves us. But I want to. I want to spread such a love that people will know God is there. People will know that God exists!

-Kel

Story of My Conversion - Part II

2006-05-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

Way back in June of 2004, I joined a forum called Catholic Online. The url is as follows. http://www.catholic.org Well, once there, on 2 June, 2004, I posted up my reasons for wanting to become Catholic. I was recently Confirmed on 13 May 2005. It took almost two years to the day to realise my dream. But it's finally come true. To quote what I put:

"I feel a little foolish revealing all of this to you, not certain they're the right reasons to be drawn to Catholicism. But ... here goes, anyway.

1) The Saints -- They were real men (and sometimes women) who did great things and overcame great tribulations. The Saints were real people, not fabrications of the minds of men. They keep alive the feeling and ambition that people can still do great things in this world where nothing is new."

Now that I re-read that, which was written a good while ago, it makes me smile. The Saints -were- real people, and they still are. When we go to heaven, we don't die. We're born into eternal life and exist with God, Mary, Jesus, all the Saints ... it really is Paradise.

I can't say that I've read a lot about the Saints, but I know I have a Patron Saint. Therese of Lisieux of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face. A Carmelite nun, this remarkable girl had such humility and grace! She wanted to save souls, and certainly helped in saving mine. There's also a website all about her and her order: https://www.littleflower.org/ She was made a Doctor of the Church under the blessed reign of Pope John Paul II in 1997.

My precious Therese was canonized on 17 May 1925. She would've been 52 years old, but she "died" of tuberculosis when she was twenty-four. I'm that age, now, and when I think that I'm the age she was when she met God, it fills me with happiness. I say "died" because she didn't die. She was born in God when she left this place. She thought of herself in exile while in life, and she was set free of her earthly bonds when she "died". She used to tell her mother "I wish you would die" just so her mother could go to heaven. Sweet, in a strange sort of way (in this day).

In a sort of tribute to her, and to myself on my Confirmation, I drew a picture of this most blessed Saint.

Since reading her story, "The Story of a Soul", I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own faith. My own reliance on God. Today's society is very much ... rely on yourself. You must rely on yourself if you want to get anywhere. I was also raised that way, though I was told to rely on people if I needed help. Well, we, as humans, always need help. I want to rely on God. I want to throw myself at the feet of Jesus and cast all of my troubles onto Him. I want to pour myself out and let Him soak it up. I want to be the obedient child who relies on her Father for everything, just as I did when I was little to my own dad. I relied on him for protection, for love and security, and for always being there when I needed him. I still do. And I want to rely that way on my Father, too.

Boy, I've said an awful lot about the Saints! When you choose a patron Saint at your Confirmation, it's like you're choosing ... a role-model. I want to have Therese of Lisieux as my role model. She is such a beautiful Saint. I only hope I did her justice in that image.

-Kel

The Story of My Conversion - Part I

2006-05-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

There are times in one's life when you think that there's nothing. Then, something comes along.

Like in high school, I thought that nothing could make what seemed a miserable time in my life better. Then, I met my husband. We've been together for nearly ten years, married for four of them. High school seemed so much more tolerable then. I looked forward to going to school just to see him. And he always encouraged me. Always. Never did he once tell me I couldn't do anything. Never did he say that something was out of my reach. I needed him then, and I still need him just as much now.

We're married, and that means we are one flesh and one spirit. We became one more than four years ago. Next year, on our five-year anniversary, we plan on renewing our vows in the Catholic Church. That gives us nearly a whole year to plan it, save up for some things like invitations, and fall in love all over again.

This story is my story, the story of my soul, my conversion to the Catholic Church of Rome. This is the ultimate love story of finding Jesus again when all else seemed dark in my faith life.

My husband has been a blessing to me, and keeps being one each and every day.

Without my husband, I would never have come to the Catholic Church.

Sticky

2006-05-20T00:49:00.000-07:00

Just to get the thing going. I'm going to post up my conversion story from Paganism to Catholicism.

Kel