It's been almost two years since I've posted on this. Two years for all kinds of things to happen or not happen.

I got that job at Wal Mart and now I've been with them for almost two years. It'll be two years on November 7.

I've moved to a new town, a bigger town, but have yet to attend Mass even once. I'm afraid and nervous to go, so I put it off and put it off. I moved here in February. Imagine that.

I've been promoted to department manager of Cosmetics, though I really wanted Electronics. I guess I was the best person for the job of fixing up the department since it was a huge mess when I got it.

At the book sale today I picked up "The Seven Storey Mountain" by Thomas Merton. I wish I would've grabbed "The Confessions of St. Augustine" while I was at it, since "Seven" is supposed to be akin to a 20th Century version of "Confessions."

I need to find something to spark my faith again. I've fallen into the valley and grown tired and lethargic.

I need to get my butt up and attend Mass! Meet some Catholic young people and get involved. That's the whole thing, isn't it? The body of Christ? Brothers and sisters in God?

I need to get up and go to the family reunion. I don't need courage for that.

Glory Be

to the Father. Glory be to the Son. Glory be to the Spirit. All glory to our God.

I have a job interview at Wal Mart tomorrow morning! I don't particularly like Wal Mart, nor do I really think they treat their employees fairly.

But.

It's better than the way I'm being treated at the coffeehouse. I pray to God for humility and confidence, and the ability to speak about myself in such a way to get this job.

Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity.

Lost in the shadow of the valley

of doubt. Of damnation.

Where has the light gone? Where's the euphoria that drove me during RCIA?

Where is God?

I won't find Him in a book. Even the Bible is only words sometimes. I have tried to read the Gospel of John a lot. But I want those little book collections that offer studies. The commentaries. The explanations. I'm only a simple girl with a simple mind. Some of the parables escape me. Some of the things Jesus said ... I can't always understand it. I can't always grasp it.

I miss going to Mass. I don't mean that I -miss- it. I miss it. Which is to say I don't get up in time. Or I just don't "feel like" going. Now I've got a whole slew of sins to confess to Father. I can't accept Communion until I do, so I just don't go to Mass. But I find myself needing the Mass. I find myself craving the Liturgy. The songs. The Homily. Communion.

The Most Holy Eucharist.

I need it more than I need to sleep. But sometimes I just can't drag myself out of bed.

I'm stressed. I'm worried. I'm down in the dumps.

Over what?

Over money. It's always money. Money is a wall that keeps me from getting to God.

No, that's wrong.

It's my desire for it? Is it? Do I have a desire for money? Not really. I'd be happier if I never saw it again. It's my fear of money. I'm afraid of it. I want nothing to do with it.

What can I do?

Are you there, God? It's me. Kelly. I'm your lost sheep. I'm bleating behind the rocks. I'm calling for my Father. I'm calling for the Good Shepherd. Take me Home to You, Lord. I'm so lonely over here. The wolves will get me. The coyotes are watching me.

Are you there, God?
It's me.
Kelly.

You have no power over me.

I wrote this up at work and wanted to share it with all of you.

8-19-06

I went to bed around 330am and had a really scary dream.

I can't remember the specifics, but I remember there was a lot of panic going on. Tall white, rectangular pillars were all around me, and people were fleeing, scared.

They were running away from a very large, about nine or ten feet tall, thing clothed in a voluminous black robe. Black doesn't even begin to describe it. The color was like nothing. It seemed to swallow the light, though there was no variation in it. It didn't have shadows in the folds of the robe. I don't know if it even had folds. The background was black, the pillars stark white, but the thing was even darker than black. It was three feet wide, at least, at the shoulder, and I couldn't see its hands.

It was killing people. How, I couldn't tell. It was chasing me, and I ran from it. I was weaving through the pillars, trying to get away. I was shoving past people in my haste to get away.

While I ran, I prayed to God for protection. I asked my guardian angel to help me, and for the Archangel Michael for aid, to give orders.

Then I stopped.

When I turned around, I came face-to-chest with the thing and felt the greatest fear I had ever felt before. All I wanted to do was run and find a place to hide. But something made me stay. Something had rooted my feet to the spot and all I could do was stare.

When the thing made a move toward me, I said the first thing that came to mind. It's a quote from a movie, and I even remember how silly I felt saying it in my dream.

"You have no power over me," I said.

The next thing was better. I wish I could say I'd remembered it from the Bible, but I'd actually recalled it from the Anne Rice book, "Interview with the Vampire."

"Get thee behind me, Satan," I cried.

That made the thing back up a step. It gave me strength.

I started to shout how God was protecting me. I could almost hear the Archangel Michael crying out orders and my own guardian angel obeying. I could almost see a radiant white light illuminated around me. It was growing brighter.

"The Archangel Michael protects me," I shouted with a sort of righteousness borne of God. "I have the protection of God!"

The more I said, the weaker the thing became. It started to hunch and the darkness became more gray. Eventually, it faded completely away.

I had been victorious over Satan.

With God, I had resisted whatever temptation I was faced with. Now, at work, I feel so much lighter. I feel like I've shed something heavy.

I can greet the customers with a smile. And I can listen to Loreena McKennitt and not feel the desire to do a ritual. I'm not saying my days as a Wiccan were all Satanic and evil. While I did read tarot and use an Angel Board (which I have Confessed), I don't think my entire faith was evil.

Even the customers seem to see something different, something better. It's like I shine with an inner light. A woman told me I have a beautiful smile. I attribute that to the grace of God that I was able to overcome such a darkness.

I feel happier and more patient. I feel creative and glad.

Prayer to God

Lord,

I know I haven't prayed very many longer, more formal prayers, but I need one, now. I need the support of those that read this.

Things are happening in my life, the life I share with my husband, that need changing. I emailed my boss for a raise and I need strength. I am the child and you are my Eternal Father. I ask most humbly for the peace of Your Son to flood me, the confidence that comes with believe in You to hold me.

God, I need You. My sweat is like blood and my prayers are fervent.

In the Holy Name of Jesus Christ, the Only Son of God, to God the Father, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Hosanna in the Highest

There's something to be said about chatrooms. More often than not, there's only fighting and name-calling. Last night, there was a very angry girl named Bubbles. She would say the most hateful things about God, and was greeted with hateful things about herself.

But I extended the hand of love to her. Laura, another woman on there, said that ... if someone pushes you in line, you have the right to stand your ground. I told her that that doesn't mean you should push back. It seemed to me that Laura was under the idea of "eye for an eye". I was more for "love thy neighbor".

I was then told by someone else that Laura had undergone great hardship. It did nothing to help me to understand. If you've undergone such hardship, why would you want anyone else to feel the same way you did? Would you want someone else to feel hurt as you had? Or even a hurt different than your own?

Something must have happened to her, but she wouldn't say what. I asked her if I could pray for her, but she told me no. I pressed until she finally said that she cursed me. God will keep me in His graces as long as He deems I'm worthy of it. I'm but His servant. A simple girl with a simple desire to help people along the way. I told Bubbles that if it relinquished some of her pain, I would accept the curse. She thought I was stupid.

I don't.

Most everyone else reacted to Bubbles' scathing words and harsh comments and insults with their own insults. Their own boiling words poured onto the screen, only making Bubbles realise more and more that she was "right". That God didn't exist and that all of His followers thought themselves superior and more righteous than everyone else.

I don't.

I'm a sinner.
I want to be a saint.
I don't think I'm more righteous than the next person.
I don't think myself superior.

All I want is to help people see God and know Him through gentle words and actions, rather than with verbal blows. After all, Jesus taught love. Laura claimed her words were "tough love", but I felt no love in them. The people that go into the Catholic chats are reaching for something, and their walls go up because they're so afraid they might find it. I try to knock on the door until someone opens it up, just as in the Bible. I don't want to blow it up with the Bible, with Scripture tied to bricks thrown through the windows.

I'm knocking.

Downtime.

I haven't really been posting lately because I've been in something of a slump. After my Confirmation, I was flying high and light with God as my wings. But after a few short weeks ... a month ... I've puttered and slowed. I've stopped.

Have I lost my way already? It was exhilerating going through the RCIA process, with all those people around learning with me. I find myself being slothful, and that is a sin. Sloth originally meant toward religious practices and learning, and I've been severely lacking in that.

I need some advice on what to do about this. I don't know what to do. I'm grasping at shafts when I want to be bathed in this light. The dust motes are getting in my eyes and the warmth is making me sleepy, so I lie down and sleep.

I haven't even done my daily devotions out of my "Passion" book each day. I just don't know what to do.

Kel